Each year, it was customary for the business I was working at, to take someone out for lunch for their birthday. When it came time for my birthday it didn’t happen. In fact, most people forgot about it completely. This left me feeling upset, hurt and angry. After reflection, I realized that underneath the hurt and anger was a need to feel important. I wanted to know that I mattered to my co-workers and ultimately get this validation from them by having them taking me out for lunch. As soon as I understood what was actually happening, my anger and hurt feelings went away and I saw how I had been seeking validation through my actions. Because of this I found freedom from the need to be validated which was ultimately the best gift I could have gotten.
One of the key components to liberation from the ego-self is to release the need for validation. This need can range from very subtle to very extreme, and whether we are aware of it or not, is one of the biggest motivators for our actions that we have. Oprah talks about people’s need to feel seen, heard and validated often on her television show. I didn’t fully understand the impact of what she was saying until I saw it in my own actions.
When we seek validation of who we are, it creates the need to feel important. When we don’t get that feeling, we seek it out time and time again until we find it but when we do get it, it’s short lived. Then we start the process all over again.
One of the main reasons behind the need for validation is that there is an underlining need to feel important and that we matter. It makes us feel good, loved and safe.
What would happen if you rose above that need and no longer sought validation? There is nothing wrong in wanting to be validated by another, it’s only human, but when we can rise above it that is freedom; freedom from the ego-self and freedom from the unwanted feelings when we don’t get the validation we seek. If validation is something that you need then the only validation that matters is the one that comes from within you, not from outside of you. Find what you are looking for within yourself first before seeking without; this is one of the steps to self-fulfillment.
To help with understanding the need for validation, watch this powerful video clip I found: http://youtu.be/9Sk8OrvoZg4
Sharon Lorraine Boon
Founder, Passage To Yourself